I used to have premonitions when I was young. I was so afraid that I would end up alone. I was actually worried about this when I was still in single digit years. Sounds neurotic doesn’t it? Yeah, well maybe it does.
Except that it seems to be coming true. My Daddy was the glue who held my family together. But, he wasn’t exactly a good glue. He was rather abusive in some ways. Not so much physically, though he was that to my brother a couple of times. But, mentally. He controlled us all sitting from his chair at the family kitchen table or the comfy chair of his in the living room. He was always huge- just a huge presence in our lives. He made sure to be a demanding part of everything we were a part of. We had to agree with him. After all, why wouldn’t we? Why wouldn’t we agree with all of his decisions for our lives when he knew everything there was to know?
He taught everyone a big lesson with me. I was the oldest and therefore, the first to try to attempt to disagree with him. What happened was that I was punished by being pushed to the outer fringes of the family. I was allowed to stay in the family only to a certain limit. Just barely. Strangely enough, I held onto this. What young adult just starting out who has been dictated to their entire life and made to believe they couldn’t make a decision for themselves wants to strike out on their own and leave? He punished me. Oh, did he punish me. For the terrible mistake of wanting to be the master of my own life.
He died in the summer of 2007. Since then, the family has slowly drifted away. My oldest daughter and the whole family- my nephew and the whole family, though his mother is a huge part of that. He has turned into a pawn. He can’t see his step-mom, per his mom, so he can’t see his dad either. His own father. How sad.
My oldest daughter. I don’t know. She goes farther and farther away from me. Myself and my little brother. We are losing our children. We honestly don’t know why. We don’t feel we did anything to deserve it all. We honestly don’t. But, we don’t know what to do. We have tried to get them back. We have failed. We are lost. We don’t know what to do anymore.
Sometimes, no matter what you do, you might end up alone.